Though I’m not sure where I first read this post, I believe its author is a designer named Noah Kay. It intrigued me so I thought I’d pass it on to my fellow creatives, and those who want to be.

I’ve always considered myself a “creative person”. I’ve always been into art, always had a deep appreciation for it. Paintings, drawings, sculpture, music, writings, movies, games, you name it. I have a distinct appreciation for all of them and the uniqueness for what each can accomplish only in their own medium. Eventually design was tacked onto that list and became seriously entrenched in the idea of doing it for a living. And now that’s what I do. I’m a designer, for my real life job, right now in this timeline.

I feel like there’s something I need to create. Something I need to make on almost this instinctual level, but nothing really seems to really hit this imaginary mark I seem to have created for myself.

Looking back I feel like so many outlets for my creativity throughout my life have been rooted in some sort of need for productivity surrounding work or potential work: Highschool and college classes giving out artistic or design related assignments, pursuits for the prospect of getting a specific type of job, or to potentially expand my skills of a job I already have.

I told myself that I want to “get back to making things just for me” about a year ago now, since I was in a “creative rut” for a good 3 years beforehand. Well, less of a rut and more of a prison.

My previous job would leave me so exhausted that the idea of coming home and working on endeavors that didn’t melt my brain was not in the cards. Brain was out of gas. But because I wanted out of my then job, I forced myself to other things. But many of those things were for the purpose of getting a different job or furthering my career: Working for non-profits, honing my skills in After Effects to be able to add that extra bullet point on my resume, working on my portfolio endlessly to make it feel like something I both don’t hate and recruiters don’t hate.

I didn’t entirely hate what I was doing since I had a bit more creative freedom in choosing and executing on these projects, but there was still this veneer of “these things need to make me hirable”. That same veneer was on school projects made through the relatively narrow framework we’re taught in design school. The same veneer was on the extremely restricted world of haphazard corporate design that suffocated me for almost 3 years.

What drew me to design in the first place was the artistic side, which has been beaten out of so much of what we see today. I’ve always loved looking through old design history books, looking at techniques and pieces from non-European designers, seeing how people crack and break that Unimark-crafted framework that has been beaten into us by both big money and Eurocentric dominance influencing design curriculum.

This is the first time in my life that I don’t desperately want to leave my job, I don’t have any mandated assignments to finish, I don’t have any mandated guidelines to follow. And honestly I think that’s why I’m feeling this way because to be honest, I’ve never done my design work like this before. Photography has always kind of been my “fuck around and find out” medium of choice, but applying that same mode of thinking to a form of creativity which I have done my entire life in the exact opposite way is…more difficult.

I think that’s why I’ve been trying other things I haven’t done before too, like this whole “writing” thing I’ve been doing sporadically or even making a couple of YouTube videos that I hope people never see. Mentally breaking that restriction of “will making this get me a job” as the primary motive for whether I go pursuing a project or not. This general sense of aimlessness has me throwing darts at the proverbial dartboard to see if trying something else completely unrelated will tick that box I’m desperately trying to erase.

I tell other people things like this in regards to creativity all the time, “if you like it and you want to try it then fuck it dude, ball out. go nuts. see what happens.” and I really need to start taking my own advice here.

I don’t need to know why, I don’t need to rationalize it, I don’t need to be “productive”, I just need to make.

Where this fellow is a designer, I’m a writer with design instincts. I can relate to a lot of what he says, especially the corporate aspect.

To my readers, I hope you get something out of this as well.